nerdeology | IC Communication

[It's like everything he's been fretting, debating, and considering the last several weeks - no, maybe even months - related to Sorey comes together at once to form a picture he feels like a complete idiot for missing before now. That building pressure, the occasional spats and too many misunderstandings, the avoidance, the way it feels like there's been too much malevolence lately, even in Sorey's domain--

--malevolence in Sorey's domain--

When he responds, his voice is quiet and tremulous- scared, for the first time.]

I... he's been avoiding me. He won't return my calls. I've been looking for him already, but he won't let me find him...

... I should have guessed. Even you can't get through, huh? So even if he sees either of us coming, he'll probably bolt, huh?

[She sighs. This is familiar- too familiar.]

It's not as bad as it could be yet, though. If someone doesn't help him, it will be... I've been where he is. Right now, he's panicking and assuming the worst. If it keeps going- If no one can get through to him, or no one even tries to get through to him, then... It will be bad.

[She's speaking from experience. She remembers- She remembers going down the same path Sorey is. And what came after the desire to run away, was...

She doesn't want to let Sorey get that far.]

I know. I know. I...

[Mikleo will just be over here trying desperately not to panic himself, and probably failing miserably. He doesn't know how to handle this- he doesn't know anything about what to do in a situation like this. They need Sorey to purify malevolence. If the malevolence is coming from Sorey- if he's that far gone-

They have to save him. They have to. The damage this could cause - to the world, to each other - is far too great to accept any other outcome.]

Lailah warned us. I didn't even realize... malevolence works so strangely here, I just thought--

[No. This isn't the time to be wondering and freaking out about the how. What's more important is that they deal with it. Figure the rest out later.]

Dammit! Did he give any hint at all about where he's been? Or where he might be going?

He won't want to be around people. Especially not anyone he knows. He'll be avoiding the ships, or anywhere frequented by the Fleet. The fewer people, the better.

[She wants to be nice about it, but... Honestly, she yelled at Sorey, she has to yell at him, too.]

And you're both idiots! Malevolence is a problem of the heart, right?! People's feelings are what generate that! Do you think that it's so easy to change people's hearts?! Trying to change how you feel about things, trying to move forward, trying so hard to not drown in your own mind- Trying to drag myself out of the mud of my own mind is so hard, I want to give up half the time! Of course it doesn't go away easily, of course it comes right back, it doesn't work 'strangely' at all! Did you think you could solve everyone's problems just by shooting water at them?!

[She's yelling, so now he has to yell, and this is just going to go badly from start to finish, isn't it]

That's how it works!! It's not- it isn't water, that's just the form that purification takes! We don't change feelings, it's the people who have to work through it after we've purified them! What's different is we can't even do that much here! There's so much of it, and we can't do anything about it, and it goes against everything we were taught...!

You can do that much here, you dumbass! You helped me, didn't you?! You helped me with that purification, and then you were my friends afterward, and that's why I haven't needed it since! Because you helped me with more than just the purification! You two encouraged me, and helped me find a solution, and that meant more to me than the purification ever did!

[That's the core of it, when you get right down to it. They helped Nightingale, and now she's going to help them, no matter what it takes. Even if she butts heads, even if she has to fight every step of the way. She owes it to them.]

... Look, just- I'm sorry for yelling. Come find me, all right? I'm on the Marsiva, in the gardens. We'll put our heads together and figure out how to find Sorey, and how to fix this. Fix all of this.

[That's not right, either. Mikleo grips the communicator so tightly it hurts his hands, and it takes a great deal of effort to make himself stop. He's pacing now, muttering to himself while trying to work it through, his mind racing. What caused it? When did it start? Why did it take them so long to realize...?]

You don't understand... he's the Shepherd. There are hundreds, thousands of people like you back home. Even here, there's too many... people who are struggling and generating malevolence, suffering like that. The reason purification works the way it does is because no human alive could do what you're suggesting for everyone who needs it. Even if he lived as long as a seraph... it's too much pressure on one person. But Sorey...

[oh god.]

He can't- he can't not help people. The Shepherd's supposed to stay out of human affairs, but we always found a way. So what was it...? His duty? What Allen said? Or the people themselves... why didn't he say anything? Why was he--

[oh god]

I... I need to find him. Now.

I know it's too much pressure on one person, it's just...

[She trails off. What is she even trying to say anymore? She's running her mouth off without thinking.]

He wouldn't tell me what cause this. Or... I didn't ask. I was busy working on the problem he asked of me. I didn't think to.

[That's... kind of hypocritical of her, isn't it? The guilt pangs at her, but she shoves it aside for now.]

Did you figure something out?

I don't know. I'm not sure.

[He's quiet when he responds, unsure, but more obviously concerned now, no longer pacing- running now, bounding through the hall of the quiet little library where he'd been hanging out when she called him.]

Sorey's been acting strangely for a while now, but to a lesser extent, he's done this before. Hiding things, putting up a brave front, trying to be strong and acting fine even when he's not...

[They'd fought back then, too, and while it had all worked out okay in the end, there'd still been a price to pay before the problem corrected itself. And Lailah had told them so often that conflict caused malevolence to form. They'd spent so much time focusing on the external conflict that they hadn't realized how deep the internal damage could be, too.]

Be true and honest with yourself. That's what she told him. If he's pretending for our sake... if he's lying to himself... maybe even he hasn't realized until now what's happening.

I had kind of figured he was the type to try to take everything on himself. That's one of the things I yelled at him about.

[She takes a deep breath, and there's the sound of rustling and movement.]

I already mentioned it, but... I've been where Sorey is now before. If you start thinking it's your fault, you spiral down... You think you have to bear everything yourself, because you should be able to, because others think you can. When you can't live up to your own expectations, you start to think of yourself as a failure. The more you think that, the more you flounder, and nothing you can do by yourself can ever pull you out of it... You start thinking it would be better if you weren't there, for everyone else's sake. You can't see any other outcome.

... I don't know if it's the same thing for him as it was for me. But it sounds so far like it's similar. Expectations, fears, the inability to do it all himself like he wants... If he gets as deep as I was, I think it'll be worse than you can imagine.

[She hopes it's different. She's sure it's different- Sorey is someone who can do anything, right? Surely he won't fall down the same problem she did. Or at least, not for the same reason. Sorey wouldn't have trouble living up to the expectations of others, right? So, where is the problem?]

Go find him, but leave your communicator on like this. I'll run support from up here and help out. Is that okay?

[...all of that... does not sound at all out of place. It's perhaps one of the things Mikleo himself has struggled to understand- because yes, he gets disgruntled about his lack of strength sometimes, or begrudging when he can't handle things on his own, but he's never really had to take on that sort of burden. The decisions he's made were to support Sorey, and he'd always been the most angry when he was treated like some sort of special case who ought to stay out of danger instead of right there on the front lines. He'd been angry when Sorey should know better. And he's always been more selfish than Sorey, less giving of time and energy without coaxing. His priorities are wildly different than Sorey's. His priority is Sorey.

But... Sorey listens to him, when it's bad. Sometimes, anyway. When he's pushed into a corner, when he needs to accept help, a shove in the right direction from the right person will set him back on the correct path. He needs to be that now- and maybe Lailah would be better suited for it, as the Prime Lord, as someone who knows more about malevolence and Shepherds than any of them, but wishful thinking isn't going to magically bring her here. All he can do is remember her words, and do what she'd told them to do- speak from the heart. Be honest.

Get Sorey to do the same.]

...I... okay. Okay. I think I can track him... we're connected through the pact. If I concentrate, it should guide me back to him. Once I find him, I... I can...

[And here, he falters, because while there's already so much urgency, but he's never faced a situation this severe before. If Sorey's so close, if the malevolence is great enough that he recognizes a need to run- anything Mikleo says, if it's wrong, could send Sorey over the edge. It won't stop him from going anyway - nothing in the universe could, at this point - but it does make him pause, stumbling against the nearest wall, his voice hitched despite his attempt to remain steadfast.]

I-If this... goes badly... you'll need to call Allen. I won't be able to--

[He stops himself, hands clenching tightly, and forces himself to move again. He's scared shitless, and he knows what awaits him wherever Sorey is. There are two paths now, two destinations. If he can convince Sorey to come back... if he can prevent the worst from happening... they'll be fine. All of them will come out stronger.

If he can't--

--no. I have to. I can't allow anything else to happen. He'd never forgive himself if...]

[She doesn't reply for a moment. She hates that kind of talk, but... She can tell whatever's happening here is a big deal. If Mikleo is asking that of her... It's not without reason.]

I will. But stay on the line with me, okay? I won't be able to do anything if I don't know what's going on.

But... Right now, if it's still the same, then... What he needs right now is just understanding. I was kind of a huge ass and fucked that up already, but... Understand him, sympathize with him, listen to his worries. Show you care. We both know you do, but that's hard to remember when you get in that deep.

... And that sort of thing means more when it comes from someone you love. I don't know you two's exact relationship, but whatever it is, you two love each other, right? You can get through it, if you do it together. Just believe in that.

[As brothers? Are they dating? She doesn't even know anymore. She's still defaulting to 'they're married', though.]

...Yeah. I... yeah.

[That had been his intent anyway, but to hear it spoken aloud is helpful, so he doesn't object to being told, even if it's a little obvious. Maybe he could stand to be more honest sometimes; Sorey always understood what he meant regardless of what he said - it's just how they were - but surely it would be more reassuring if his words reflected his thoughts, wouldn't it? The armatus wouldn't feel so necessary if that were the case. Instead of channeling his feelings through the connection, just. Use his perfectly functional mouth for more than just attitude.

He's... not always good at it, but with Sorey, when it matters, he'll do it. He just has to make sure he gets the words out before Sorey does anything rash like try to run away again.]

I need to contact the others first. Dezel and Zaveid- they're connected to Sorey, too- if something's happening to him, I have to tell them.

[He's going to try his damnedest to make this right. But. But.]

I'll... reconnect, though. You're right. Someone has to know.

[Nightingale is, well... To call her a KY is an understatement. She is so full of doubt and second-guessing herself, she has trouble with anything that isn't said aloud.

(There's a small guilty pang- She didn't know about these other two. If she's talking this much about being their friends, shouldn't she have known that more people were connected to Sorey? But she shoves that out of her head.)]

I understand. I'll be here. Just be sure you're back before you get planetside, okay? I'll be researching from the network up here if there's any obvious places without people he might go.

Right. I'll get the others to try the link, too.

[If he was feeling truly desperate and had no other alternatives, he could try to force an armatization from a distance- he'd go directly to Sorey's body wherever he is, assuming it worked. But he doesn't trust Sorey's reaction to that, and it feels wrong to do it on his end only- like Dezel with Rose, when he'd taken over her body.

Not to mention that would put him directly at the core of Sorey's domain, and as things stand right now...

...ugh, how did he miss this? Is he really that naive, or did his faith in Sorey just utterly blind him to what was happening? Is he malevolent already, too?

Don't overthink. Just focus. You can do this.]

...Nightingale... thank you.

[He hangs up - there's no time to waste - but he had to let it be known how important this is, how much she's helped. The rest is up to him.]

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